Email: rachelkramerbussel at


Lusty Lady

Watch my first and favorite book trailer for Spanked: Red-Cheeked Erotica. Get Spanked in print and ebook

Monday, July 31, 2006

My weekend in keywords: cleavage and cupcakes

rkb with cupcakes
Originally uploaded by cheryl_b.
My weekend involved porno cupcakes, kinky Jews, unexpected orgy action, squishy flip flops, dr. sketchy's, the gym, proofreading, baking coconut cupcakes from the Barefoot Contessa, and catching up on my sleep. Also: marking up books with tons of those see-through colored tabs, I love those, gotta invest in some more. They rock, I think soon all my books will be filled with tabs. I rarely "feel" like a writer, even when I'm actually writing, it always feels like a fluke or a hoax or a one-shot deal, but when I'm putting sticky tabs in my books, then I really feel like a writer. Hopefully before this month is out I will have some time to put all the tabs into action because I'm finding some great material as I dig through the endless book swamp for research. Also, you probably know this, but if you go to and put in your library card number and password, you can request whatever books you want and they'll email you when they have them, then you go pick them up. It's like magic. Finding time to read everything is a different story but I am totally obsessed with the library. If my book ever sees the light of day, they're getting a huge thank you.

Lots of fun though am madly catching up. There was also some unearthing, but there's some of that every day in casa RKB. Back to the catching up. Next week I am gonna try to figure out my fall travel plans, trying to go to SF/LA or SF/Portland in October but I'll have to see how it works out, may just do a long weekend in LA to see friends/family and then later plan some readings.

Stephanie Klein interview about Straight Up & Dirty

In my attempt to write about or interview everyone in this New York magazine article, I've now interviewed Stephanie Klein about her memoir Straight Up & Dirty. (Actually, I just wanted to interview her.) I saw the final version of the book at Borders over the weekend, in the self-help section, and I have to say, Regan Books put together a really beautiful looking booking. The photos on the cover are part of the glossy hardcover, with a white jacket with holes in front wrapped over it.

What did I think of it? I liked it more than I thought I would. I didn't love every part, and some I couldn't relate to at all, but some of it I totally could, and that's the reason I wanted to interview her and why I kept turning the pages so quickly. Lately I'm so much more inclined to focus on the things that do intrigue and interest me, the things I do share with even people I disagree with. I'm trying to use my creative energies to focus on my book(s), my life, and bettering myself, rather than tearing other people down. I'm not saying anyone else has to, I just have spent so much of my life, especially the last few years, being angry at people or hating them because they did x or y to me or whatever, and I realize that I just have to let that go. Especially because I'm thinking so much about the future and want to be a good mother someday, hopefully someday soon, it's that much more important. But it's also important because I would find myself so mired in that vicious cycle ("what if I'd done this? why can't they like me instead of her?), instead of working to make myself into someone I can like. Not an easy task by any means, but the only thing I really can control. So that's what I'm up to these days, and it involves a lot of solitude and I have to say, I love it. There's room for the occasional debauchery and I can even enjoy it, but especially these next few months I'm just keeping my eyes on the prize, and while I may not relate to everything Stephanie Klein writes about, I do admire her for getting her words out there. I think there are so many people who say they want to write and never do, and that's okay, I just sometimes feel myself slipping into that mindset, and I want to live up to my own expectations, not anyone else's. On that note, I finally, in dreadfully late, overdue, typical fashion, finished an esasy I am okay with for the fabulous Diane Mapes. Still proofing, writing intros, reading submissions, and doing research along with the usual round of freelancing goodness. And babysitting. And just trying to take everything one day at a time. When I finally got the words down, it really helped me clarify for myself a lot of things, and to realize that it's okay to want to be alone, that I don't need to try to fill any voids with people, especially in the really self-destructive way I tend to do. I think this way I can better appreciate the time I do spend with my friends and take things at my own pace and try to trust myself a little more and just stay focused on what's important to me and forget about what's not.

Sugasm #40!

My Sugasm debut, woo-hoo! And so many fabulous sex blogs to check out at some point. I get so many ideas from Sugasm and learn so much from all these blogs, it's amazing. I'm not really a sex blogger but sometimes I throw some stuff up here that might be relevant. For once, I actually have a juicy story, but gotta see how much I can share. Apparently, there was a hickey involved.

This week’s best of the sex blogs by the bloggers who blog them. Want in Sugasm #41? Submit a link to your best post of the week using this form. Participants, repost the linklist within a week and you’re all set.

Mr. Sugasm himself

The New Wave of Porn Star Hookers (

BDSM and Fetish

Sweet Torture (

Sweet and Dirty (

A Spanking Interlude (

Spanked Again! (

Punishment vs. Discipline (

A Lesson in the Fine Art of Whipping (

I feel slightly better and get the brush and the paddle… Hmmmm (

A Gift (

Frugal Kink: The $25 Toy Bag (

D is for Daddy (

Carol’s room (

Erotic Writing and Experiences

What a girl has to do… (

Virginal Cherry (

Touched, for the very first time (

Surprise (I) (

Sunday Confession (

Sexual Exploration (

The Return of the Lawyer (

Outside (

More Sugasm

Join the Sugasm

(Sugasm participants should re-post all the links above. The following links may be excluded as long as you include all the above links.)

Not Too Tired After All (

The Morning After (

Married By Slut Puppy (

Hunger no more (

Elegant Backstroke in a Shot Glass (

Come again? (

The Celebratory Wank (

Annual Check Up (

7/23 by Roxy: Make it a Double! (


Prime Cups (

Multiple Choice (

Memory Lane (

Sex News

New Blogging Designs Added! (

Avery Score Takes Us Down Rainbow Road (

Sex Work

Playing the Repentant Ex-Wife (

Any volunteers? (

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships

Reader Question - Unfaithfulness (

Panties or Knickers? (

In Search of the City’s Hottest Stripping and Swinging (

Exploring Alternative Relationships (

The Dangers of Cybersex (

Coffee and a spanking with Master R tonight (

Beginner’s Fun with Role Play (

“Are You a Ho or Do You Just Want Others to be?” (

Thanks to Sex with Rex and Roxy for the Samantha Wolov photo.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

Hear my story "Spike" on Violet Blue's Open Source Sex

Her fabulousness, the lovely and luscious Violet Blue (whose new book The Smart Girl's Guide to Porn is an excellent read for anyone looking for porn recommendations or who just wants a primer into the world of, well, smart girls who watch porn) reads my female domination story "Spike," from her Best Women's Erotica 2006, on her podcast Open Source Sex. Here's Violet's description of the story:

A quickie: explicit female domination that centers around a Goth punk girl, her macho boyfriend, and a sexymean pair of pointy black high heels.

Check it out!

Best. Steinbuch v. Cutler. Sentence. Ever.

I will elaborate about this article and case and privacy more later, but for now, I present the best sentence ever written about Steinbuch v. Cutler from Dahlia Lithwick in her Slate piece, "Private I's?"

In the short term, Steinbuch's suit has only added buttercream frosting to the cake of humiliation Cutler baked him.

This is actually a topic I deal with all the time, not in relation to blogging so much as my writing my column. In fact, I am going to email some people I met last night and basically ask their permission to write about them, but I believe wholeheartedly that free speech means we have the write to tell our life stories, to talk about what has happened to us. Greta Christina commented on this on Susie Bright's blog recently, about balancing her interests with her lovers. And I think these are certainly important things to consider, but by us, not necessarily by the law. I, and Jessica Cutler, and any blogger or writer, should have the right to write about their life, including their sexuality.

What Lithwick and this case is basically asking is, "Is sex always on the record?" Well, I guess that would depend whether you think life is always on the record. The fact is, blogging has changed those stakes. "The media" is not just an elite group, but anyone, anywhere, on blogger, typepad, Livejournal, Myspace - look at any of those and see countless, often anonymous, posts and blogs about sex. If Cutler is found guilty, then every single sex blogger or anyone who's ever written about their dating or sex life needs to seriously be worried. I just don't understand how that's different from, say, Stephanie Klein's book, or Catherine Millet's, or Tucker Max's. In fact, Max won his lawsuit against Katy Johnson, (note the ACLU amicus curiae brief mentioned in the Wikipedia entry) about his right to relate his side of their encounter. I don't think there's any new facts in the Slate article, and the links are all things I've seen before, but that buttercream sentence is just way too priceless.

Friday, July 28, 2006

More erotica brilliance from Stan Kent

Ultimate Undies: Erotic Stories About Underwear and Lingerie

Ultimate Undies: Erotic Stories About Underwear and Lingerie

Stan Kent is offiically my new favorite erotica writer. He is so smart and witty and sexy in his stories. I just reread, for probably the fifth or sixth time, "Solemate" from Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z 2 last night (out in September) and it's still fucking brilliant. I'm nominating him for every Best Of book out there. Anyway, he also was kind enough to let me publish his "9 to 5" in Ultimate Undies - here's an excerpt:

A sip. A swallow. A sigh. Her words flow steely into the speakerphone, but I sense her satisfaction. Her legs inch apart. I breath. She approves of the coffee. I smile, knowing I have given her the first of today's many satisfactions. I kneel on my strategically positioned cushion. My head bows. She inches forward to the edge of the chair. Her hand cradles my head, toying with the short hairs on my neck as she pulls my face deep into the warmth of her thighs.
Above the muffle of her limbs, I hear her antique clock chime nine.
My work day has begun.
Through demanding sentences punctuated by sips of my lovingly made coffee she dictates terms and conditions to her telephonic audience as she pulls my head under her Versace skirt and washes my face against the taut Wolford nylon cloaking her mound. She makes unflinching financial demands of her buyers as static charges prick my skin. I inhale the damp of her pussy. An amorous cocktail of sex juice and perfume waft into my brain, firing all the right synapses. I am delirious. There is nothing like the penetrating odor of feminine lust through pantyhose early in the morning. It speaks of licentious nights and crack-of-dawn sex raining down a sweet deluge of sticky juices. She is all pantyhose, pussy, perfume and power.
She pushes my head from her lap and presses my face to her knees with a brusqueness I find addictive. She does not deny my craving. Her firm hand grips my neck, guiding my lips from one knee to another in dizzying circular motions of my head. I plant kisses, lingering long enough to soak her skin through the tightly woven fibers of her Wolford pantyhose. The dampened Lycra sticks to my face as she turns my head to a fresh, dry patch of stocking. She pulls me higher, her hand and thighs funneling my tongue back to her sex. Like a cat cleaning its fur, I drag my tongue across the shining nylons, relishing the luxurious texture.

on the verge

From the brilliant Daily Om:

Losing It
You Are Not Crazy
Most of us feel a little crazy from time to time. Periods of high stress can make us feel like we're losing it, as can being surrounded by people whose values are very different from our own. Losing a significant relationship and moving into a new life situation are other events that can cause us to feel off kilter. Circumstances like these recur in our lives, and they naturally affect our mental stability. The symptoms of our state of mind can range from having no recollection of putting our car keys where we eventually find them, to wondering if we're seeing things clearly when everyone around us seems to be in denial of what's going on right in front of their eyes. For most of us, the key to survival at times like these is to step back, take a deep breath, and regain our composure. Then we can decide what course of action to take.

While they go on to recommend talking to a therapist or trusted friend, my solution, especially now, is to hibernate and walk and write and think and be totally alone with no plans. Or cry, that's always good. Deep breaths too. Other than that, must find way to invent more hours in the day or get by on way less sleep, or just get more shit done. That's my plan, anyway, for the next few months to power on through and make 2006 (and 2006) happy and productive.


Trying to stave off a nervous breakdown with happy news - my story "Animals" will be published in Best Women's Erotica 2007, edited by the fabulous and mulit-talented Violet Blue. It comes out in November from Cleis Press.

Best Women's Erotica 2007

Best Women's Erotica 2007

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Lusty Lady column, "Panty Play for Men and Women"

Lusty Lady, "Panty Play for Men and Women"
Keep your undies on for a hotter time in bed
(Be sure to click through for the sexy photo of Laura Leu's Underdares undies, complete with a cute saying)

Here's a different Underdares photo and please do check out what Laura had to say about underwear being underappreciated:

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Two porn stars' gubernatorial campagins

"Pursuing Their Naked Ambition," The Hartford Courant

The gubernatorial campaigns of Melody "Mimi" Damayo and Mary Carey could be seen as dirty politics, but their experience and exposure in adult films gives them some advantage, political pundits say.

"The whole notion that campaigns are supposed to rip off the veneer of a candidate - most porn stars leave very little hidden even before they get into the political arena," said Walter Shapiro, Washington bureau chief for Salon magazine.

"The porn star could say that although certainly interested in [fornicating], at least he or she isn't interested in [despoiling] the country, like most of the politicians who already are in," William Bike, author of the book "Winning Political Campaigns," wrote in an e-mail. "Or, the porn star could say that electing him or her would protect the little guy - after all, who knows more about protection?"

Damayo, a former adult-film actress with the stage name Mimi Miyagi, is running for governor of Nevada. Carey, who is still active in the porn business, finished 10th among 135 candidates in California's 2003 gubernatorial election.

Dan Savage's $2,100 check returned by Casey campaign

It seems that sex columnist and The Stranger editor Dan Savage is putting his money where his keyboard is to defeat Senator Rick Santorum, but his check was returned, even after he was thanked by the Casey campaign. Interesting. Good thing I'm broke for the next few years paying off student loans, because I have a feeling that I might be one of those people with an "unsavory background."

Philadelphia Inquirer, "No thanks, Casey donor told"

Democrat Bob Casey Jr. needs all the contributors he can get to unseat U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum - except Dan Savage, apparently.

The Seattle-based syndicated sex columnist who minted a raunchy definition of "santorum" and assembled a Web site to share it with all the world tried channeling his distaste for Pennsylvania's junior senator with a $2,100 contribution to Casey's campaign.

But six weeks after receiving a thank-you call from a Casey staffer and an invite to his Seattle fund-raiser, Savage learned this week that his money wasn't necessarily welcomed.

Not directly, at least...

Campaigns routinely vet their donors, looking to weed out people with unsavory backgrounds or anything else that could cause the candidate embarrassment down the road. Add sex columnist to the list of apparently questionable characters.

Then again, Savage isn't just any sex columnist. His anti-Santorum Web site is the No. 1 hit on a Google search of the senator's name, spawning a pop-culture reference used by the likes of liberal activist and actress Janeane Garofalo.
(bolding mine)

See also:

Thanks to Jolene Siana

Huge thanks to the fabulous Jolene Siana for putting on last night's reading at Think Coffee. Everyone read really interesting pieces and I can't wait to read Jolene's book Go Ask Ogre: Letters from a Deathrock Cutter. Think Coffee was really great too, with huge couches. And as long as they have non-coffee beverages too, I look forward to hanging out there.

Fuck-me feminism, various viewpoints

I found this very interesting post from Saucebox about "fuck me feminism" from February 2006. I'm still swamped with deadlines and frantically trying to meet them all so am just going to link and will fully comment if I ever have time, but I'll definitely be addressing this issue in my book Sexual Freedom for All, though I think sexual freedom goes far, far beyond feminism. I don't think it's as either/or as Saucebox and others have painted it; be for sexual choice OR be against sexist sexual practices, but I do think there's much food for thought here, especially this idea that women are supposed to simultaneously be ladylike and chaste or else we're sluts, while also being slutty and available to men. I guess, to summarize very very briefly my reaction to some of the commentary online recently, I don't think the proper response is to attack what other women want to do in bed, whoever you are doing the attacking. I don't think that furthers women (or men) exploring their sexuality in an open, nonjudgmental way.

Saucebox on "fuck me feminism:"

As women, we are taught to feel guilty for “giving it up,” to feel shame for having sex for the sake of sex instead of for some other more noble “female” reason like love or reproduction. We are taught that our sexual gratification and fulfillment (i.e. orgasm) are so much less important than those of men that the two activities which are most likely to give us orgasms (manual stimulation and oral sex) are generally not even regarded as “actual” sex at all. We are taught that women who openly want sex, pursue sex, have sex and enjoy sex without regard for the proper cultural standards of how many men it is acceptable to have sex with or how long is acceptable to wait before having sex with one of them or what kind of relationship should be established prior to having sex with them are somehow less deserving of respect and less human than the rest...

I can’t say I blame fuck me feminists for being pissed off about all of this. I myself am extraordinarily pissed off and tired of it. A big part of FMF is about saying “whoa, hold on a second. This ain’t cool. We want sex just as much as men and moreover, we demand the right to enjoy our sexuality in any way we deem fit without being made to feel fucking guilty and shameful about it. We’re claiming that right whether you like it or not, so you can fuck me or you can fuck off.” And I fully support that.
(Please go click and read the whole thing, there was so much good stuff but you should read it where it was originally posted. That also might be an intellectual property lesson to all the people who didn't even link or mention The Village Voice and reprinted my entire column on their blogs or MySpace pages. While of course I'm glad to have people read my work, a little credit and at the very, very least, a link to the original source, would be nice. Oh, and legal. Or do we just say "fuck fair use" cause it's the Internet? A question that I have no idea of the answer to, actually.)

Ada Calhoun's Austin Chronicle review of Gynomite: Fearless, Feminist Porn:

Fuck-me feminism burst onto the scene in the early Nineties, a camera-friendly movement of well-coiffed feminists lounging in the pages of Esquire. The riot grrrls' fuck-you feminism, on the other hand, was less luxuriant and substantially more fun. Still, both sex-positive schools, aided by sexperts like Susie Bright and Annie Sprinkle, paved the way for a new millennium in which the pronouns have canceled each other out, leaving simply a call to fuck. Meet Gynomite. This feminist spoken-word movement has been around in various forms for the past few years, but seems to have hit its stride since a 1999 Houston revival led by Liz Belile. In Texas, where firearms are more available (and more legal) than vibrators, this story compilation marks an important stage in Gynomite's mission to liberate women "one orgasm at a time."

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Wednesday, July 26, 2006

September 20th = "Revenge of the Sex Columnists"

(I may be adding one or two people to the lineup, but these are all confirmed. I'm trying to get Grant Stoddard to read too so if anyone knows him, please tell him to return my email! Otherwise maybe I'll snag him for my memoirists night and he can talk about his upcoming memoir Working Stiff.)

(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey,
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676

Hear your favorite sex columnists tell all—from horror stories to hate mail to come-ons and sexcapades! With Julia Allison (“The Dating Life,” AM NY), Erin Bradley (“Miss Information,”, Ellen Friedrichs (, Rutgers University), Laura Leu (“Sex Diary” in Penthouse), and Jamye Waxman (Playgirl), and your host, Rachel Kramer Bussel (“Lusty Lady” in The Village Voice). Books and magazines, as well as mini cupcakes, will be given away.

Rachel Kramer Bussel is a New York City-based author and editor. She is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations and a Contributing Editor and columnist for Penthouse, writes the Lusty Lady column for The Village Voice, and conducts interviews for and Her erotic stories have appeared in over 60 anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006, and she’s edited her own collections, including Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z 1 and 2, Up All Night, First-Timers, Glamour Girls, and the forthcoming Ultimate Undies, Sexiest Soles, Secret Slaves, and Caught Looking: Erotic Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists. Rachel has also written for AVN, Bust, Metro, New York Post, Punk Planet, Time Out New York and Velvetpark.

Julia Allison is a writer and columnist, best known for her weekly column, “The Dating Life,” in AM New York, a daily Manhattan newspaper that reaches more than 320,000 readers. She got her start as a now clichéd college sex columnist at Georgetown University, but since then she has written for Cosmopolitan, New York, COED, Teen Vogue, Seventeen, Capitol File and Men’s Health, among others. In addition to a regrettable stint on Elimidate, America’s #1 cheesiest dating show, Julia has been featured in The Washington Post, Chicago Tribune, Fox, CNBC, CBS and NPR. She appears regularly on Fox News as an entertainment pundit.

Erin Bradley is writer living in New York City. Erin is the author of Miss Information, a weekly sex
and dating advice column, and Girlgonemad, an online dating
blog, both appearing on Originally from the Midwest, Erin is a graduate of Michigan State University where she earned a degree in Human Resources (don’t worry, she doesn’t know what that means either). When she’s not writing freelance for various entertainment and tech publications, Erin can be found working on her screenplay and watching television documentaries with Creature, her morbidly obese cat.

Ellen Friedrichs is a Brooklyn based sexuality educator. She holds an MA in health and human sexuality education and started her career in sexuality at Manhattan's Museum of Sex. From there she became the behind the scenes expert for Planned Parenthood's website answering hundreds of thousands of sex questions from information starved teens. Currently, she teaches sex education to teens in the South Bronx and human sexuality to biology students at Rutgers University. She also runs sexuality workshops and writes about the subject when she has a chance. These days she also hangs out with her baby. More information about Ellen can be found at her website:

Laura Leu writes a monthly column for Penthouse called "Sex Diary." She has also written for Maxim, Stuff, Shock, Sync, Riot, and contributed to the book Naked Ambition: Women Pornographers and How They Are Changing The Sex Industry. As a sex and relationships expert, she has made several TV appearances and does a weekly sex segment on Maxim Sirius Radio. She recently launched a line of underwear, which can be found at

Jamye Waxman has been called the nexxxt generation of sex educator ( With a Masters in sexuality education from Widener University in Pennsylvania. She currently writes three sex columns: "Sex Ed" for Playgirl Magazine and two dating and relationship columns for Steppin' Out Magazine and The Philly Edge. She is also the co-writer and producer of the latest Candida Royalle feature, "Under the Covers," (Femme Productions) and is currently working on her first book, entitled Women loving Women (Quiver Press, Spring 2007). Jamye also teaches classes on all things sex both privately and for the popular website/social calendar Waxman was a producer of the popular Metro TV show Naked New York. She is president of the national organization, Feminists for Free Expression.


Cupcakes Against Domestic Violence interview

I interviewed the women behind Olympia-based Cupcakes Against Domestic Violence over at Cupcakes Take the Cake

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Kinda overshadows the Go Fug Yourself deal

From Publishers Marketplace:

Unanimous's I HATE ANN COULTER, a manifesto against all things Ann Coulter, to Jen Bergstrom and Patrick Price at Simon Spotlight Entertainment, with Jeremie Ruby-Strauss to edit, in a nice deal, by Dan Strone at Trident Media Group.

Clearly, I need to study up on my platforming. I HATE SHMULEY BOTEACH, maybe?

"Are you a ho or do you just want others to be?"

(FYI, this is part of this freewriting I'm attemping to do every day. So far, in July, I think I've done 4. Won't be posting them all but on occasion I will be. Hopefully it'll get me at least writing something every day. I also took a cue from probably my favorite piece of writing by Tristan Taormino, this old Boston Phoenix "Rear Guard" column entitled "Shocking the unshockable," about going on Howard Stern.)

Johnny emailed me on MySpace not once but twice yesterday to ask me “Are you a ho or do you just want others to be them? While I know I should probably ignore anything that comes into my MySpace inbox, I feel compelled to answer. My first thought was an indignant “no,” and of course, that’s the easy answer. Does he mean “ho” as in “slut” or “ho” as in “whore?” The first is debatable, the second, well, no. But not only are some of my best friends whores, who have taught me so much and who struggle with issues I’ll never know, but we’re meant to protest, to deny, to distance ourselves so far from “those women.”

But if he means “ho” as in “slut,” well then, there’s another unanswerable question. There’s no winning that game, despite what The New York Times might say, because people are going to make up their minds and answer that for themselves no matter what. There really is no magic formula to become a slut, and it’s not just about numbers. Look at the scorn that was heaped upon Monica Lewinsky—and she could at least say she did it for love! But still, under the desk? Flashing her thong? One can be a virgin and still get labeled a slut, yet many women still try to win at that game, to protest against the slur rather than the question and the division.

We all have to draw those lines for ourselves and figure out what makes us feel good about ourselves, what our goals are, and when and how we want to have sex. It’s been a huge learning curve for me, especially in the last two years; trial and error, emphasis on the error.

As for the second part of the question, I don’t want anyone to “be” anything or do anything sexually—other than what they want to do. That’s what I’m going to look at in Sexual Freedom for All, in terms of how people’s sexual options are constrained, whether legally, through laws banning owning a given number of dildos or vibrators and the inherent anti-sex nature of our obscenity law, which puts “prurient interest” on such a low rung it may as well be “murderous interest,” to social shaming and other ways in which we don’t promote a truly sexually free society. I don’t think defending the right to make our own choices regarding when and how we have sex means that I’m necessarily saying that people should have a certain amount of sex or with a given number of partners. But, for instance, the practice of sleeping with exes solely to keep one’s “number” down, I do find that sad, because it’s playing right into the hands of a question like this.

It’s letting others dictate how you perceive yourself. The problem is, though, they very likely have already decided. So yes, I’m a slut in that I’ve had sex with probably more people than this person would find “acceptable.” You can find naked photos of me online. I’ve written about sex acts I enjoy. But do I feel like a slut? Most of the time, no, and when I do, I try to watch whether it’s in a good or bad way. I can get off on “acting slutty” when the circumstances are right, but most of the time, I’m not dating or having sex and right now don’t plan to for a long while, so no, I don’t feel like a slut at this very moment in time. And what I’ve had to grapple with on a personal level is the consequences of “acting slutty,” and those have given me a lot of pause. Poor choices have meant that I’ve slept with some people who make my skin crawl, who make me want to vomit, who make me want to die. Who make me wish I could be anyone else than the girl who slept with those people. But I’m not and I can’t change the past, only the present.

I might turn the question around to him though. “Do you feel like a ho or do you just want others to be them?” Because I think men rarely ask themselves any of the questions that I’m pretty sure most women grapple with at one time. It’s not just guilt, but confusion, because on the one hand, we are often rewarded for “looking” or “acting slutty,” but on the other, we are castigated. I have a chapter about Monica Lewinsky and Jessica Cutler (and other women too) which will explore this in more depth. There’s that cultural fascination and yet revulsion, within the same breath practically. And from their former lovers, even quite explicitly; one need only look at the responses of Bill Clinton and Robert Steinbuch to see the allure of a girl who wants them and then their quickness to distance themselves.

So my real answer is not that it’s none of your business, but I don’t know, but I can’t live my life in such a way as to try to escape the slings and barbs of someone who’s already predisposed to judging me, because I’ll always lose that game. I could very likely never have sex again and go to a sperm bank and become a mom, and truly, if I had the money, I might do that right now (well, maybe not never have sex again). But there’s no way to “atone” for one’s sluttiness; it’s a mark that stays with you forever, and I think the answer has to be deciding for ourselves whether we will let the word or the judgments matter, whether we will try to live our lives for other people, or for ourselves. That doesn’t mean there aren’t countless factors to consider when deciding whether to have sex with someone; sometimes I’ve ignored every one of them and just jumped in headfirst, and now I probably err on the opposite side. But those are such personal and complex decisions, ones that nobody can dictate for us.

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Brief snippets as I'm beyond behind:

A funny cartoon by Carolita Johnson

Sugasm #39 (Fabulous sex blog roundup, submit to #40 here)

The new issue of $pread with Buck Angel on the cover and a Lily Burana interview inside


Audacia Ray's porno preparations ("The shopping list includes cupcakes, viagra, pool supplies and enemas.")

This is very old, but it amused me: "The Porn Fork" at Fleshbot

Pub Rants, which I've now become totally obsessed with

This one's more to look at - the cover for Melissa P.'s second novel, The Scent of Your Breath. Haven't read it yet, and thought 100 Strokes of the Brush Before Bed was pretty good but not necessarily worthy of the phenomenal attention it got, but anyway, this cover wowed me:

The Scent of Your Breath

The Scent of Your Breath

An excerpt from my intro to Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z 2

I'm proofing the manuscript for Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z 2 (as with everything else, it's overdue, I'll be done very soon, I promise, Alison, sorry!), getting to know my red pen very well as I keep having to edit manuscripts and story submissions, and was rereading my introduction and had totally forgotten what I'd written since it's been over a year. So here's a little teaser, more details when the book comes out in September:

Spanking means countless things in this anthology—love, anger, sublimation, awakening, desire, fulfillment, foreplay, fun, prodding, patience, surrender, exhibitionism, demand, pride, want, lust, punishment, reward, humiliation, power, surprising, daring, learning, lessons, teasing, nad goodbye. I’m thrilled by the heady mix of emotions I can feel when I take or deliver a firm spanking, and even more thrilled that these powerful, erotic stirrings, the kind that can bring tears to your eyes, a smile to your lips and a prolonged stirring t your nether parts, are so beautifully, touchingly and wonderfully represented here. These teasing troublemakers, vamps and vixens, horny housewives and husbands, mean bosses, powerful masters and mistresses, sassy spankers and adoring ass worshipers get what’s coming to them and much, much more. The wilier and sneaker they are in concocting schemes to get spanked, the worse (or, really, the better) it is when they actually get their much-needed and well-deserved smacks.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Please xxxxx me

Best sentence I read last week:

"I go wild when a girl xxxxx the xxxxx of my xxxxx while running her nails xxxxx." (Wonkette via me via AVN)

Sunday, July 23, 2006

This week

Am actually going out a bit this week:

Tuesday I'm taking a baby to Boggle

Wednesday I'm reading right near where I used to live when I tried to be a law student (I lived at 240 Mercer, the dorms, best thankfully forgotten time of my life):

The reading will be at Think Coffee, 248 Mercer Street between 3rd and 4th
on Wednesday July 26th. Reading begins at 8:00. There
is a $3.00 cover but those who attend the reading will
receive 20% off of coffee/cafe drinks.

Cheryl B.

Cheryl B. is an award-winning poet and writer. Her
work appears in dozens of print and online
publications including; BLOOM, The Guardian, and
Pills, Thrills, Chills and Heartache. She has received
a fellowship from the New York Foundation for the Arts
and has been a resident at the Virginia Center for the
Creative Arts. She is the creator and producer of PVC:
The Poetry vs. Comedy Variety Show. She lives in
Brooklyn and online at

Rachel Kramer Bussel

Rachel Kramer Bussel writes the Lusty Lady column for
The Village Voice, is Senior Editor at Penthouse
Variations, and hosts In The
Flesh Erotic Reading Series. Her many anthologies
including Naughty
Spanking Stories from A to Z, Glamour Girls,
First-Timers, Up All Night, Ultimate Undies, Sexiest
Soles, Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage, and
Caught Looking. Her writing has been published in over
60 anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004
and 2006, as well as in AVN, Bust,,
Diva, Mediabistro,Metro, New York
Post, On Our Backs,, Penthouse, Playgirl,
Punk Planet, San Francisco Chroncile, Time Out New
York, Zink, and others.

Kate Hall

A former poetry editor of Stirring: A
LiteraryCollection, Kate Hall's poetry and stories
have appeared in such journals as the Antioch Review,
In Posse, Mudlark, Big Bridge, Disquieting Muses,
Poetry Magazine, The 2River View, Perihelion,
Review, Zuzus Petals Quarterly, Mr. Bellers
Neighborhood and Rattle. She was awarded the Robert
Frost Poetry Prize by Kenyon College where she
graduated Magna Cum Laude and went on to earn a
J.D.from the University of North Carolina at Chapel

Lori Jakiela

As a native Pittsburgher, Lori Jakiela (rhymes with
tequila) has a weakness for gigantic deep-fried fish
sandwiches, thinks slippy is a real word, and
sometimes drinks Iron City Beer for sentimental

Her hometown, Trafford, PA, is widely thought of as
the birthplace of the chocolate-covered pickle.

Jakiela, who once had a great fear of flying, worked
as a flight attendant at a major airline for six
years. She is currently on leave from the airlines.
She now spends her days on the ground, teaching at The
University of Pittsburgh at Greensburg, where she is
also director of the writing program.

Miss New York Has Everything (Warner Books) was
published in January 2006. The first chapter, "I Am
Not a Zombie But I Played One on TV," was nominated
for a Pushcart Prize. Jakiela's essays and poems have
appeared in DoubleTake, River Styx, Creative
Nonfiction, The Pittsburgh Post Gazette, The Chicago
Review, 5 AM, Nerve Cowboy, Tears in the Fence, Chiron
Review, Slipstream, and elsewhere. Her chapbook, The
Regulars -- a collection of poems and essays – was
published by Liquid Paper Press and was awarded first
prize in Nerve Cowboys 2001 chapbook contest.

Jolene Siana

Jolene Siana is the author of Go Ask Ogre: Letters
from a Deathrock Cutter (2005, Process Media). She is
an advocate for raising awareness of self-injury and
healing through art and writing. Jolene lives in
Brooklyn and spends her time writing, painting and
photographing people.

Sherry Wood

Sherry Wood is a writer from North Carolina. She moved
to New York three years ago to find an agent. Her
first publication was a monthly column, Undecided
Virgin Times, for Qbliss. Qbliss is a nonprofit online
magazine for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and
transgender community.
Sherry openly discussed her experiences living on the
streets during 1996 in
Chicago, and her emotional relationship with a street
hustler. Those same experiences are now shared more
extensively in her recently published novel, Everyone
Is Chuckers. Following her column, she wrote a short
story, My Fake Messed Up John Cusack
Interview,published in the literary magazine for
women, Betty Magazine. She also interviewed once
believed street hustler, JT LeRoy, for a Bronx
periodical, Dialect.
Sherry is currently working on a new novel, Mary Jill
Matters, which takes place in 1994, about a troubled
teenage girl learning to deal with the intense
obsession her best friends stepfather develops for

Saturday I'm taking someone (me!) who can't draw to Dr. Sketchy's

Porn sale at Chicago's Early to Bed

Chicago's fabulous, feminist sex toy store Early to Bed, where I was lucky enough to read with GirlyNYC in 2004 when we were there for BEA, is having a porn sale - a bunch of VHS videos are only $5. Mail order or in person. They're also (but of course) on MySpace.

Saturday, July 22, 2006

The fake book bibliography

Even though I've been telling more and more people, I still feel like a pretentious ass saying "I'm writing a book," because I'm not. Not yet. But maybe this year I will be. Well, a book proposal. But I can't work on it yet because I have other busywork going on, but I did start a preliminary bibliography so I could remember what I want to say in it if I ever do actually get to the writing. It's also going to hopefully be a way of purging the books I have in my apartment - part of the bibliography? It stays. Not at all helpful? It goes. Surely much more will be added, but right now it looks a little something like this:

Lauren Berland and Lisa Duggan, Editors, Our Monica, Ourselves: The Clinton Affair and the National Interest
Kevin Bleyer and Lori Gottlieb, I Love You, Nice to Meet You
Violet Blue, The Smart Girl’s Guide to Porn
Shmuley Boteach, Hating Women
Lily Burana, Strip City
Maria Elena Buszek, Pin-Up Grrrls
Patrick Califia-Rice, Sensuous Magic
Ayn Carrillo-Gailey, Pornology
Paul Coughlin, No More Christian Nice Guy
Maureen Dowd, Are Men Necessary?
Dawn Eden, The Thrill of the Chaste
Danielle Egan, Katherine Frank, Lisa Johnson, Editors, Flesh for Fantasy
Jonathan Franzen, How To Be Alone
Nancy Friday, Her Secret Garden
Fiona Giles, Editor, Chick for a Day, Dick for a Day
Siri Hustvedt, A Plea for Eros
Jason Illian, Undressed: The Naked Truth About Love, Sex, and Dating
Merri Lisa Johnson, Editor, Jane Sexes It Up: True Confessions of Feminist Desire
Erica Jong, Seducing the Demon
Joan Kelly, The Pleasure’s All Mine
JD King, Beyond the Down Low
Anne Kingston, The Meaning of Wife
Laura Kipnis, Against Love, The Female Thing
Ariel Levy, Female Chauvinist Pigs
Cara Lockwood, Pink Slip Party
Tucker Max, I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell
Mandy Merck, In Your Face: 9 Sexual Studies (especially "Fuckface")
Cristina Page, How The Pro-Choice Movement Saved America
Gail Parent, Sheila Levine Is Dead and Living In New York
Pamela Paul, Pornified
Esther Perel, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic
Virginia Postrel, The Substance of Style
Scott Poulson-Bryant, Hung: A Meditation on the Measure of Black Men in America
Amy Raphael, Grrrls: Viva Rock Divas
Carol Queen, Real Live Nude Girl, Exhibitionism for the Shy
Carol Queen and Lawrence Schimel, Editors, Pomosexuals
Laurie Seale, The Questions to Ask Before you Jump Into Bed
Wendy Shalit, A Return to Modesty
Jill Soloway, Tiny Ladies in Shiny Pants
Jillian Strauss, Unhooked Generation
Lauren Winner, New Sex


Liz Phair interview by Gail O’Hara, Time Out New York
Lisa Dierbeck casual sex article, Oprah
Colette Burson interview,
Michelle Malkin, “The Skanks of Capital Hill”

Summer strategy

The quick, feel-good edition of how I will be spending the rest of my summer:

Working as much as humanly possible
Mastering the dreaded to-do list
Sending huge checks to Sallie Mae
Throwing shit out and filing what's left
Playing board games
Visiting babies
Being a homebody
Wearing dresses and pretty shoes
Trying to get over my fear of success
(Fingers crossed) Writing a book proposal

Random one-off events

Making a cupcake-eating porno cameo
Attending a lingerie Shabbat dinner
Attending a comedy wedding
Booking a West Coast vacation


No more library or video store late fees
Start/finish book proposal
See my name in Publishers Lunch
Saying no to invitations
Learn to make one tasty and healthy dish

Friday, July 21, 2006

Diana Cage in action

Originally uploaded by brianvan.
Diana Cage read from her forthcoming novel at In The Flesh and had everyone awed by her tale of road trip sex. My favorite line was:

"I sprayed like the fountains at the Bellagio all over the windshield of the rental car."

Look for her novel hopefully sometime in 2007 or 2008. You can read her story "Sugar" in my book Glamour Girls: Femme/Femme Erotica. She's now a New Yorker, after many years in San Francisco, editing On Our Backs and various other smutty things like that.

Photo by Brian Van


August, September, October and November In The Flesh lineups

I'm so excited about all of these nights - really, you are in for a treat - Lily Burana! Shari Goldhagen! Laura Leu! Julia Allison! Jamye Waxman! Mo Beasley and Urban Erotika! Christen Clifford! Jami Attenberg! Adira Amram! Jessica Delfino! Todd Levin! Baron Vaughn! Sara Jo Allocco! And so many more - truly stellar talent you don't want to miss. Lily Burana will be doing her first reading of a sex scene EVER on August 16th! I would imagine it's hard to rattle this brilliant writer so come to chear her on! Plus one of my dearest friends, Shari Goldhagen, will be reading some of the naughty parts of her fabulous novel Family and Other Accidents. See my interview with Shari here and see YOU on August 16th! Yes, there will be cupcakes. And candy. And free books. And smut.

August 16, 2006, 8pm

In The Flesh Reading Series, Happy Ending Bar

With Lily Burana (Try, Strip City), Shari Goldhagen (Family and Other Accidents), Caridad Piñeiro (Sex and the South Beach Chicas, The Calling Vampire series), Shane Luitjens (Revolutionary Voices, Suspect Thoughts), Marie Lyn Bernard (Cleansheets, Best American Erotica 2007), Riain Grey (Mammoth Book of Best New Erotica, Scarlet Letters), and Lisa Montanarelli (Whipped!, Strange But True).
Free refreshments will be served.
302 Broome Street, NYC

Directions: B/D to Grand, F to Delancey, J/M/Z to Bowery


September 20, 2006, 8 pm

In The Flesh Reading Series, Happy Ending Bar

With Julia Allison (AM NY dating columnist), Laura Leu (Underdares, Penthouse "Sex Diary" columnist), Jamye Waxman (Playgirl sex advice columnist), Ellen Friedrichs. Rachel will also be celebrating the release of her new anthology Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z 2.
Free refreshments will be served.
302 Broome Street, NYC

Directions: B/D to Grand, F to Delancey, J/M/Z to Bowery


October 18, 2006, 8 pm

In The Flesh Reading Series, Happy Ending Bar

With Jami Attenberg (Instant Love), Mo Beasley and Urban Erotika, Christen Clifford (17 Guys I Fucked, Baby Love), and P.F. Kozak (Sins and Secrets). Rachel will also be celebrating the release of her new anthology Caught Looking: Erotic Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists.
Free refreshments will be served.
302 Broome Street, NYC

Directions: B/D to Grand, F to Delancey, J/M/Z to Bowery


November 15, 2006, 8 pm

Comic Sex Night at In The Flesh Reading Series, Happy Ending Bar

Funny sex stories from some of NYC's funniest comedians. With Sara Jo Allocco, Claudia Cogan, Jessica Delfino, Todd Levin, Mindy Raf, Baron Vaughn, and musical guest Adira Amram.
Free refreshments will be served.
302 Broome Street, NYC

Directions: B/D to Grand, F to Delancey, J/M/Z to Bowery



Thursday, July 20, 2006

The MILF Anthology at SMUT on Monday

The MILF Anthology

The MILF Anthology

Monday, July 7th, 8 pm - 10 pm
SMUT Series

An evening devoted to the future and past of sex with the contributors to Sex in the System, a new collection of erotic science fiction from Thunder's Mouth Press, and The MILF Anthology (Blue Moon Books)


Shariann Lewitt, author of Interface Masque, Rebel Sutra, and Memento Mori

Sarah Micklem, author of Firethorn and Wildfire

John Bowker, graduate of the Clarion Science Fiction Writers program

Cecilia Tan, author of Black Feathers, The Velderet, and Telepaths Don't Need Safewords

Stacy Brown, contributor to The MILF Anthology

Door prizes will include copies of the book Sex in the System, The MILF Anthology and the newly released Erotic Writer's Market Guide

Galapagos Art Space
70 N 6th St
Brooklyn, NY 11211
L train to Bedford Avenue

I think this photo really epitomizes my daily look

Originally uploaded by brianvan.
Photo by Brian Van. Bags by Duane Reade, H&M, and Betsey Johnson (though I think the latter two aren't so visible).

oh my darling Clementine

Clementine has arrived
Originally uploaded by rkb1.
I got home to photos of two-day-old baby Clementine last night and they made everything else just slip out of my head. I can't wait to meet her. Congratulations to her fabulous parents!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

In The Flesh in Hong Kong magazine Escape part 2

See previous post for details - from article in Hong Kong magazine Escape about In The Flesh and my writing.


In The Flesh in Hong Kong magazine Escape

In The Flesh and my writing were profiled in Hong Kong magazine Escape by Nan Hie In. This is part 1, part 2 to follow - working on making these into visible images, but if you're dying to read it, email me at rachelkb at and I'll forward it.

Also - if you want a seat (and/or a cupcake), please get to Happy Ending early tomorrow! Between The New Yorker listing, past turnout, and an ad I've taken out on Publishers Marketplace, I expect it to be packed!

Thanks also to the very funny Eliza Skinner at the appropriately named Hello Hilarious for her post "Dirty Words, Tasty Cakes." That's what it's all about at In The Flesh!


Come for the cupcakes, stay for the smut (or vice versa)

Lily and Molly really like cupcakes
Originally uploaded by rkb1.
Photo of Try and Strip City author Lily Burana (who is reading at In The Flesh on August 16th, her very first time reading a sex scene) and Molly Crabapple, who drew the lovely logo of me with cleavage and cupcakes, by Brian Van - taken at our true confessions night.

"Cupcakes will be served." The New Yorker, July 24, 2006 edition, page 18! Be there - tomorrow! I will also be giving away a big stack of books (not mine), and one copy of your choice of the three Fetish Chest books Ultimate Undies, Sexiest Soles or Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage.

Unrelated to In The Flesh, but New Yorker fans might enjoy the blogs Newyorkette and Emdashes, both inspired by the magazine, Daniel Radosh's weekly New Yorker Cartoon Anti-Caption Contest, and the weekly (for the summer) Rejection Show at Mo Pitkin's, featuring a rotating lineup, always with rejected New Yorker cartoons.

(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey,
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676

Take a break from the heat with sexy words and yummy cupcakes. With Desiree Burch (SMUT Series), Diana Cage (Box Lunch, Bottoms Up, On Our Backs Guide to Lesbian Sex), Zaedryn Meade (Covet, Valence, For the Record), Doreen Orsini (Hunting Diana, Tanner’s Angel), the co-editor of The MILF Anthology, Cecilia Tan (Circlet Press), along with contributors Elspeth Potter (Tough Girls, Best Women’s Erotica) and Stacy Brown, along with host Rachel Kramer Bussel. Free candy and mini cupcakes will be served. Various erotic books, including The MILF Anthology, will be raffled off as door prizes.

In the Flesh is a monthly reading series hosted at the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and features the city's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by Village Voice sex columnist and acclaimed erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words. Future themed nights include Revenge of the Sex Columnists (September 2006), Comic Sex (November 2006), and erotic memoirs.


Mediabistro interview with Paul Stevens, Associate Editor, Tor/Forge

Mediabistro From the Editors interview with Paul Stevens, Associate Editor, Tor/Forge - He's Polly Frost's editor on her amazing short story collection Deep Inside: Extreme Erotic Fantasies, out next summer. I'll be sure to post more about it - I blurbed it, it's sci fi/fucked up/crazy smut, and for me to like anything sci fi/fantasy means it really grabbed me, because I'm usually way too logical for that. Plus he's interested in all sorts of off-the-beaten path writing generally.

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Monday, July 17, 2006

The hottest erotica story I've read all year

I just turned in my proofs for Caught Looking: Erotic Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists and not only is it the hottest book I've ever worked on, some of the stories are just about the hottest erotica stories I've ever read. Maybe it's the nature of exhibitionism and especially voyeurism; it gives authors a chance to really slowly detail every nuance of what turns them on. My absolute favorite story, which I will be nominating for all kinds of "Best Of"s and reading to anyone who'll give me the chance, is Stan Kent's "My Finest Hour." Taking a cue from a Blondie song, his narrator elaborates on watching his girlfriend get off in the shower. It's an absolutely perfect story and I got all turned on and kinda proud reading it again. Plus, how fucking cool is Stan's bio? He really is a rocket scientist! And an amazing erotic storyteller - another person I want in all my books!

Stan Kent is a chameleon hair colored former nightclub owning rocket scientist author of erotic novels. Stan has penned nine original, unique and very naughty works including the Shoe Leather series. Selections from his books have been featured in the Best of Erotic Writing Blue Moon collections. Stan has hosted an erotic talk show night at Hustler Hollywood for the last five years. The Los Angeles Times described his monthly performances as “combination moderator and lion tamer.” To see samples of his works and his latest hair colors, visit Stan at

Pornopolis, kinky sluts, blowjobs

Fleshbot's been all over The Denver Post series about porn. Again, there's an idea put for that you're either with us (fucking) or against us (not). Can't we all just get along?

Right now in America, it's fabulous to be a SuicideGirl, splendid to dabble in stripping, OK to seek quick, anonymous sex through Craigslist.

"It's just not OK to be nonsexual," says Meika Loe, a sociology professor at Colgate University in New York who wrote the 2004 book "The Rise of Viagra: How the Little Blue Pill Changed Sex in America."

"You're not really a full human being, you don't have full personhood, if you are not a sexual being."

Also, regarding the massive response to my "Fucking and Feminism," column, I also wanted to add that I fail to see what the difference would've been if I'd linked to, say, Pussy Worship. But for those critics who were bothered by the submissive woman tone of the column, try that one: "the temple of pussy worship! a blog about a mistress and her pet." Is that the preferred form of feminism? It's all good feedback because it makes me realize how much the phrase Sexual Freedom for All really means. It does NOT mean, to me, at least, enforcing a hierarchy of sexualities, where one is "better" or "more feminist" or "more enlightened." How is the answer to sexual inequality enforcing more sexual inequality?

Mistress Matisse kickstarted an interesting thread at The Stranger's The Slog about "Kinky Sluts vs. Feminists" which has delved way beyond the confines of my column.

Again, though, it's a false between all empowerment, all the time, and all submissive drudgery, all the time. Here's a comment from Salon about the feminist blowjob debate:

I absolutely love giving a good blow job!

I haven't had the chance to read the actual blogs yet, just your round-up Rebecca, but as a flaming liberal and ardent feminist I'm baffled as to how giving blow jobs has turned me into a subserviant and brainwashed idiot.

The truth is, as a generally orally fixated person I just naturally tend to love giving head as well. Granted, if the guy hasn't showered recently I doubt I'd do it but that has rarely ever been a problem. It doesn't even enter my mind that the guy pees out of the thing since all I'm getting is the cum. Oh yeah, I swallow as well. Less mess, less fuss. I didn't even realize NOT swallowing was an option until I was 27 and listening to some high-maintenance women talking about needing a napkin to spit in. I would think the act of holding it in your mouth, then letting it travel back out onto a towel or something would actually increase the contact with the cum as opposed to just letting it go down the throat as it comes. And no, I don't deep throat so it has nothing to do with that. As for pulling your head away as the guy comes, that also seems pointless because now its getting everywhere I probably don't want it to. Once again, less mess, less fuss and I've rarely tasted bad cum.

There was more, too, but see, I realized that I should've perhaps picked other examples because the reason we should have the right to give blowjobs is not because we have to "love" it, but because it's our choice. We may sometimes love it, sometimes hate it, hate it but do it anyway, which I think I said before - we shouldn't have to be obsessive about something to defend our right to do it. I think it's just easier to come to the defense of a sexual act you yourself partake in. As for me, yes, I like spanking and getting spanked. No, I don't have rape fantasies, but I, along with women like Lisa Carver, Jill Soloway, Siri Hustvedt, etc., recognize the importance of giving women room to own our sexuality - yes, even if it happens to coincide or overlap in some way with what the dominant/male culture wants us to do/say/think. And just to be clear, I'm pretty fucking sure that at least some aspects of my sexuality would be "considered a threat to this society." But why wold you want to base what you do, something that is, to many of us, so vital and life-affirming and personal and moving, on whether or not it may be some abstract "threat?" Those were examples, but I would think that the larger point of my column is that for adults, whether feminists or not, to tell other adults how to conduct their sex lives, especially in the name of "helping" them, is not treating them as people capable of making those decisions for themselves.

The topic of sexual freedom is much broader than blowjobs, casual sex and rape fantasies; those were three examples where I continue to see these acts being denigrated and treated like they are causing the downfall of society. Especially casual sex. I've learned a lot of fascinating things over the last few days, not the least of which is that Wendy Shalit interviewed Lux Nightmare, formerly of, and Melinda Gallagher and Emily Scarlet Kramer of CAKE for her book Girls Gone Mild: Young Women Reclaim Self-Respect and Find It's Not Bad to Be Good. I also learned that there's a class at Harvard Law called "Power, Beauty, Sex, & Violence" (the closest NYU ever had when I was there was "Sexuality and the Law") and that Female Chauvinist Pigs was assigned reading. And not really related to this but just something I'm looking forwar to reading that arrived in my mailbox over the weekend: Laura Kipnis's The Female Thing: Dirt, Sex, Envy, Vulnerability.

See also: Greta Christina's "Oral Arguments" (or, "A Dyke's Defense of Blowjobs")

Also, the cause for some spitting (of my soda): Violet Blue's "Personally, I prefer my empowerment one thick swallow at a time."

I think I can safely say my column about panties will not be as controversial. There, too, I am learning: in this case, all about panty selling.

And now for the part where I geek out: GirlyNYC and other baby-haters, stop reading now: An adorable photo of Asia Carrera's daughter Catty with her little swimming fins (not sure of the proper name for them). If you haven't been following, ex-porn star Carrera is 8 months pregnant and was recently widowed. I don't really have much else to say except that my heart goes out to her and it's good to see her feeling more positive about her son's impending birth. It's a pretty tragic situation and I'm never good with "saying the right thing" about death. Perhaps no one, save Joan Didion, is, so there you go. That was meant to end things on an uplifting note. I miss the Smush and can't wait for him to come home so I can take him to the park, when it cools off a bit.

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From "Unlocking" by Zaedryn Meade in Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage

This is just a teaser from Zaedryn Meade's exquisite story "Unlocking" which opens Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage. The best part is after this, so come to In The Flesh on Wednesday and hear her read more, AND get a chance to win a FREE copy of your pick of the 3 Fetish Chest books!

From "Unlocking" by Zaedryn Meade

Her wide brown eyes flash gold and reveal her obvious interest. “I’ve never been handcuffed before.”

I don’t miss that invitation. “Would you like to be?”

Her hips switch and tilt. Oh yeah, she wants to be. Possibly even by me. “I don’t know,” she says slowly, placing herself closer to me with every imperceptible movement. Her fingers are still in my belt loop and she’s pulling at the circle around my hips. I’m leaning back into it and making her lean into me. She tilts her face up toward mine, a good four inches shorter than my not-so-tall five foot six, and does that doe-eyed under-the-eyelashes look of girls who want to be kissed. I reach behind her to set my glass on the tall table, changing places with her. She turns too and now her back is to the wall. She leans against it and hooks both thumbs into her pockets, holding her bottle of Corona by the neck in her left hand. Only the lime at the bottom is left.

I take the bottle out of her hand and use that as an opportunity to touch her skin. I pass the bottle to my other hand and set it on the table next to my empty glass, barely looking to see where it lands, eyes locked on Maya’s dark thick eyelashes and smoky makeup. She’s biting her lip. I have the back of her hand in mine and press her palm with my thumb. Her fingers are a little colder than her wrist. It’s a little cool out on the back patio tonight, but we’re both beginning to sweat.
My thumb and forefinger circles her wrist and I squeeze, just a little, enough pressure to let her feel restricted. I take her other hand, notice that she’s already reaching for me, and do the same. She breathes in, a little surprised at the sudden movement. I press her wrists back until they touch the wall and see the tension in her shoulders. Her breasts are offered up to me like fruit to suck on in order to bring out the flavor of the whiskey, and she knows it, sees me considering her and arches further. I want to press my palm into the ripeness of her chest and feel the flesh pushed between my palm and the wall. I want to take a bite of the taut muscles of her neck. I want to run my tongue from her chin down past the collar of her thin cotton blouse and into the V of her neckline where she has one too many buttons undone.

I don’t do any of these. I keep my eyes on her face as she tells me what she wants, what she’s afraid to give away, what she wishes I’d keep doing to her, without saying anything. Maya’s mouth makes a sweet, high whimper that is quickly cut off by my own mouth pressing into hers. She pushes her hips into mine and made a move in to kiss me that was more sudden than I expected, and I almost lose my balance and my grip around her wrists. I pull her hands behind her back and they touch easily; her wrists are thin enough to get both locked in one of my hands, so I bring my left hand to the back of her neck, along her spine and under her long dark hair. Her body arches and she kisses me harder, her tongue beginning to feather my lips. I open my mouth, catch her swollen bottom lip between my teeth gently, then pull away and touch her lips as lightly as possible. She’s pressing toward me for more but I’m holding her back by her wrists. She struggles against my grip and almost gets one wrist free before I catch it in my left hand. She smiles against my mouth, I feel the corners of her mouth turned up and laughing. She flexes her fingers and stops struggling.

I pull back and she’s still smiling. I let go and she brings her hands between us, touches one wrist with the other, then pulls on my keys again.

”Take me home with you,” she says. I grin. Circling her right wrist with my left hand, I lead her back through the pulsing bodies on the dance floor, and out the front door of the bar.


Sexual Freedom for ALL

I'm working (very, very, very slowly, yes, but I am working on it) on a book proposal called Sexual Freedom for All. There will be 13 chapters about everything from casual sex to reproductive rights to chastity, submissive men, sex workers, love and romance, fantasies, ages of consent, defending the prurient interest, and more. I was going to post the chapter titles but they may change and I won't really be digging into it all until August, but my favorite one so far is: "Hot Bi Babes, Gay Tit Men and Other Queer Pioneers: Broadening the Sexual Spectrum." Yes, many topics will have been hashed out briefly in my Lusty Lady columns but I will be doing lots of original research for the book if I ever sell it.

But the reason I used submissive women as an example, is because a) sometimes I am one (I guess I could be called a switch, but I don't really identify that way because I don't switch with a given person, if I'm kinky with them, it's either as a top OR a bottom, but that's really a moot point at the moment) and b) because I think female submission is often one of the most misunderstood sexualities.

I may not be an "actual" feminist according to Pandagon, but the reason I quoted Boteach (for the record, I hadn't seen the Feministe post and came across his book at Barnes & Noble - another aside - I haven't read all of Hating Women yet but I see very, very little difference thus far, aside from their backgrounds/motivations, between Ariel Levy's Female Chuavinist Pigs and Shmuley Boteach's Hating Women aside from the fact that Ariel Levy sees Judith Regan as a "female chauvinist pig" while Boteach is published by her) is because I'm not only interested in looking at what feminists think about sex or the sex lives of feminists. I'm interested in sexual freedom much, much more broadly, which is why there will be a chapter about chastity. And there I will be quoting things like this Pandagon commenter who wrote:

Would you buy a car without test driving it first? Seriously. (And yes, I’m talking about this from both a male AND a female perspective. Why should a woman be stuck with a man who can’t make her orgasm?).

Before ANYBODY gets married, they should damn well fuck like rabbits, to make sure that they are sexually compatible. And if they are, the “boredom”, that usually leads to adultery doesn’t happen nearly as much. That boredom is usually just incompatibility. Or one person being a selfish greedy asshole.

That's not the "freedom" I'm in favor of.

As Siri Hustvedt writes in A Plea for Eros:

Although feminist discourse in America understandably wants to subvert cultural forms that aren't "good" for women, it has never taken on the problem of arousal with much courage. When a culture oppresses women, and all do to one degree or another, it isn't convenient to acknowledge that there are women who like submission in bed or have fantasies about rape. Masochistic fantasies damage the case for equality, and even when they are seen as the result of a "sick society," the peculiarity of our sexual actions or fantasies is not easily untangled or explained away. The ground from which they spring is simply too muddy. Acts can be controlled, but not desire. Sexual feeling pops up, in spite of our politics.


Sunday, July 16, 2006

Dental bondage from Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage

L. Elise Bland is one of my favorite erotica writers. I want to put her in all my anthologies and routinely beg her for stories, like now as I finish up She's on Top and He's on Top. This "sadistic Southern belle" is fascinating, sexy, super smart, creative, gives a mean spanking, and her story from Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z called "Every Good Boy Deserves Favors" got picked up for Best American Erotica 2006.

Her bondage story is called "A Tooth for a Tooth" and is also quite fabulous. (Reminder: You can hear Zaedryn Meade read from her story "Unlocking" from Secret Slaves: Erotic Stories of Bondage this Wednesday, July 19th at 8 pm at Happy Ending Lounge at my reading series In The Flesh.)

"A Tooth for a Tooth" by L. Elise Bland

"OK," I said. "You can teach me, but only if you can pin me." With those words, I threw her down on the bed. I had an unfair advantage with my height and weight, but she was a little spitfire. She kicked, flailed, and tossed me on my back. But in no time, I had flipped her back over.

I held her wrists and kissed her. She closed her eyes and turned her head to one side. I could tell she was already giving in, but then I realized she was more than I could handle. I had no idea what I was doing. When I worked for the oral surgeon, bondage was a piece of cake. The slender arms of the dental chair made it easy to restrain somebody and the Velcro snaps were quick and foolproof. No hooks or snaps required. The thigh restraint went all the way around the bottom of the chair, encompassing both legs at once. With the new-fangled bondage, I would have to learn everything from scratch. I didn't know what to do with non-medical restraints. How would I attach them to the bed? With ropes? Chains? Where was the rest of her equipment? And what was I supposed to do with her once I had her in place? I was more scared of looking stupid than I was of getting tied up, so I released my tension and let her overpower me. Alissa laughed, not realizing that I was playing possum. She straddled my chest and gritted her teeth into an insane grin, her pink lipstick streaked across her cheek like femme war paint.

"You win," I said. "Show me what you've got." Out came two more restraints for my ankles and before I knew it, I was butt naked and strapped to the bed. Even though the restraints didn't hurt, I was uncomfortable at first. I felt like a freak. We were being total perverts smack dab in the middle of the day, the bright sun screaming through the window panes at our bare skin and loud busses plowing into our private lives. Alissa didn't seem to mind, though. She knelt in between my thighs, her chest still heaving from the exertion. I was definitely a tough cookie to crack. My frame was downright burly compared to hers, but she had plenty of tricks up her sleeve. As if by magic, a tiny rubber whip appeared that twirled and bounced between my thighs.

"You thought you were just going to lie back and get fucked, didn't you?" she asked as she brought the demonic little toy closer and closer to my pussy. "Now that I have you where I want you, I can do anything I please." I felt the first sting on my leg and jumped up against the restraints. I tried to close my knees, but my ankles were spread too far apart. The whip was moving so fast, the falls had become a tornado of red rubber that moved slowly but surely towards my most delicate body parts. The buzz sent my lips fluttering like a vibrator, but unfortunately not strong enough to get me off. I wiggled down and shoved my pussy towards the toy in hopes of more pressure. Instead, I received a single sharp jolt from the whip, right on my clit.

Buy the book to keep reading!


Saturday, July 15, 2006


I know my desire to visit a given city should ideally be about the people there or the sights or activities, but can it also be about the food? This menu makes me hungry. I have so many places I want to visit - Santa Fe, LA, SF, Portland/Eugene, Seattle. I'm not going (back) to Cali in August but am thinking about the fall, maybe to coordinate and do some readings for Naughty Spanking Stories 2 and Caught Looking. And, like, a vacation. But while I really do want to visit those places, part of me wants to just book something somewhere, anywhere, with my frequest flyer miles and huddle alone in some nice hotel room and wander and roam and not know or care where I am. Maybe Glamourcon in August in Chicago, but only if I can feel up Justine Joli and hang out with The Reputation. I don't know where I'll go, maybe nowhere, but after the loveliness of Costa Rica, I do realize I need way more downtime. Thankfully, I am trying to stay home as much as I can cause I'm just not all that social of late. Going to In The Flesh and Boggle (yes, brave girl that I am) and a few readings and things but other than that I really want to have a lowkey summer and get a lot of writing done and just work on my head and my heart, and my student loans and apartment and boring stuff like that, with maybe a long, lazy weekend away thrown in for good measure.


"Fucking and Feminism" feedback

Lots of linking and commentary on the new column, "Fucking and Feminism." A brief overview:

Beyond Your Peripheral Vision has some really fabulous analysis and I wanted to add something I think I forgot to say in the column. Porn, stripping, bikini waxes, blowjobs, etc., whatever sex or sexual act you want to talk about don't have to be empowering in order to be a valid choice for women. It seems like we want to say it's about empowerment vs. exploitation - what if it's just about choices? I think this goes back to the idea of whether we want feminism to bring about equality or special status/pedestal/paternalism a la Shmuley Boteach (not saying he identifies as a feminist but did write a book called Hating Women) who explicitly says we need to put women back on a pedestal. Part of being rational, intelligent, autonomous adults is making decisions for ourselves. OF COURSE those will not all turn out to be good ones. Who could possibly think they would be? For me, the problem is when anyone, from a feminist viewpoint or not, tries to dictate what's good for all women (or all men) - how can one possibly know that? You can't. But I don't think the proper response to attacks on, say, blowjobs, is just to say "I like it" or "it's empowering to me." You know what? You can not like it and have done it, you can do it and decide you don't like it, you can do it as a quid pro quo, you can do it for money.

It's a red herring for it to have to be about empowerment and this all ties back into what I am going to write about, at some point, about casual sex and sex generally. There's this idea out there, I think, that if you're a woman and have casual sex and get hurt then you'd be better off not having done it. Certainly, I'm in no position to say "rah rah, casual sex is always great." These are arguments and situations reminiscent of what 60's feminist said about that sexual revolution - that it only worked towards the betterment of men and their sexual options. Not getting into every nuance here but firstly, I don't think sex is about a war between men and women and don't want to foster that mentality, because it's dangerous and can so easily descend into stereotypes. Part of why my book and my recent writing is hopefully going to focus on men as well is because I think it's a problem when they're always painted as the villains. I'm not saying men are perfect, nor are women, but it's disingenuous to further the alienation of men and women around sex. I would much rather look at ways for us to learn from one another and bridge the gaps that are there.

Okay, rant over, some other links, some, like Hit and Run (which must get a gazillion hits cause I've gotten so much traffic from them - thanks Julian, and Nick) and Feministing, with extensive comments sections (86 in Hit and Run as of this posting).


Hit and Run

Salon's Broadsheet

One commenter at Hit and Run basically said that sexual freedom isn't, or shouldn't be, a feminist issue. First of all, sex has been a feminist issue since the time of Victoria Woodhull. Secondly, here, as in the blowjob column, I'm largely responding to other people's assertions about what's acceptable sexual behavior. That's something that's been said to everyone from Susie Bright to Betty Dodson to Nina Hartley and it's just a way to ignore debate about sex. It's very tricky and complicated - of course, sex is political, but I don't think that means that there is therefore a politically correct way to have sex or that one way is necessarily "better" than another. What you see or think you see or think about a certain act is not necessarily the way it feels to someone else.

I'm not quite sure why so many people can't offer suggestions for positive action without tearing other women and their decisions down in the process. Firstly, scolding, harping, and haranguing aren't going to make anyone change. Telling women essentially that they're big sluts for how they dress, act, or think really just serves to try to induce guilt and shame and I don't want any part of that.

There is actually a pretty interesting thread about Pink's "Stupid Girls" video at ModestyZone - yes, I'm linking to ModestyZone because it fascinates me and also because, especially in this thread, I don't think there are easy answers. About any of this. I'm not anti- modesty per se, or chastity, or any choices women want to make, but again, what I am against is the pitting of women against women, the sluts vs. the prudes, or however you want to designate that. I think that's the result in Shalit's A Return to Modesty and Shmuley Boteach's Hating Women when each suggest, basically, that any women who sleep with men before marriage are ruining things for the women who don't do so. Shalit urges women to form a "cartel of virtue" and Boteach I've already quoted here; that's what I object to categorically, not the notion that for some women, waiting to have sex would be a good idea.

Again, I think that there are no easy, one-size-fits-all answers to so many of these questions. Which makes it tougher for me to formulate my book proposal, but I'd rather grapple with the tricky areas than just dismiss anyone who doesn't agree with me. I think that's what happened with Sara DeKeuster; people just didn't want to hear that some women (actually, many women, I believe) have rape fantasies. That could not and did not compute and they just wanted her to shut up, and basically accused her of enabling rapists by encouraging men to think all women want to be raped. If you can't tell the difference between "rape" and "rape fantasy," well, sorry, you are not paying attention because obviously they are two completely different things. Related in the sense that the latter is a fantasy about the former, but to act like anyone would actually want to be raped for real is just ridiculous and pretty much impossible according to the definition of rape. But it's much easier to claim that no woman would really want to: give a blowjob, engage in a rape fantasy, have sex on camera, wear revealing clothes, etc. than to admit that some of us might enjoy, or at least do, these things on some occasions. Tying this together to the beginning, it's not imperative that we enjoy or be empowered by these things in order to choose to do them.

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