Whither Blowjob Nation

ANDY WARHOL'S BLOWJOB
Originally uploaded by defekto.

So all the way home I was ruminating on this culture war we're in the middle of. It sounds so extreme to say that so it's taken me a while to figure out that's exactly what's going on. It's a very paradoxical sexual culture we live in, because while sexual entertainment is exploding, and our icons are Carrie Bradshaw and Jenna Jameson, and sex scandals are celebrated as the videos circulate like wildfire, there's also this huge backlash against anyone daring to speak out about their sexual desires. There's this don't ask, don't tell approach to sex that only leaves us halfway fulfilled, halfway free, and this so-called sexual freedom really isn't truly free. Which makes it all the more amusing and infuriating when cultural commentators from both the right and the left bemoan the sexual debauchery running rampant in our society. I have so much to say about this but have to actually do some work, but I'll start with Caitlin Flanagan's largely indecipherable essay in the guise of a book review of Paul Ruditis's The Rainbow Party. Here's a snippet:

Blowjob nation has also been blamed on "abstinence only" sex-education programs. In this line of thinking the evil Republicans have made such a fetish of the intact hymen that teenagers -- parsing the term "sexual abstinence" with Jesuitical precision -- have decided to substitute oral sex for intercourse, thereby preserving their technical virginity. I'm no fan of these programs. In light of advances in birth control and the economic advisability of delaying marriage until after the college years, sexual purity seems a goal best advanced by those religions that advocate it, not by our public schools. But even if "abstinence" is at stake, why would girls voluntarily turn to giving blowjobs? Whatever happened to the hand job? Whither the dry hump? Why do girls prefer the far more debasing, uncomfortable, and messy blowjob? And why are they apparently giving them out so indiscriminately? These are questions that none of the usual suspects can answer.

Let me just be clear - I am not arguing in favor of teenage rainbow parties. I am not arguing in favor of girls, or women for that matter, giving infinite blowjobs and getting nothing in return. But, well, as a fan of the blowjob, I can't help but see this subtle "my sex act is better than your sex act" idea as being at the very root of this culture war. Sometimes it's blatant, sometimes it's subtle, but quite often there's a sexual hierarchy created, where hetero, missionary position sex is at the top and anything else below it is "messy," "dirty," "abnormal," "disgusting," "debasing," "insert pejorative here." I really don't care whether Flanagan prefers hand jobs over blowjobs, but I can't help but think she's talking about more than teenage girls here, and if we accept the premise that giving a blowjob is inherently debasing, I think we have major problems on our hands (and mouths). And if we were to go with her argument for a second, what does that say for the people getting blowjobs?

I don't think we can achieve sexual freedom, which I define as the right and the autonomy, to pursue our own sexual desires as long as we are doing so with consenting partners. But I not just mean the legal right to do something. I mean the ability to do so without the level of vitriol now aimed at those who openly defy social convention. If you don't believe me that we're in the middle of a culture war about sex, just look at some of the things people have said (google should work just fine) about: Jessica Cutler, Monica Lewinsky, Sara DeKeuster, Jenna Jameson. There are more, and you will be hearing much more from me on this topic, but you really just need to open up your paper on any given day to see the backlash against anyone, man or woman, who dares stand up for their sexuality, messiness and all. I don't think it's purely us against them, but there are certainly some surprising allies and some surprising enemies in this culture war. I don't consider Jonathan "every orgasm is more or less the same" Franzen on "my side" of this culture war. But I do think there are some tricky elements, some ways in which sex, in all its complexity, doesn't necessarily obey the rules. What if blowjobs are debasing and exciting and empowering all at the same time, or alternately? What if we admit that teenage girls might get off (if not sexually) on the power having a guy's cock in their mouth gives them? That is not to say that's the only thing to consider, or that it isn't a problem, but if we were to look at sex generally as a positive force, as something that brings joy, pleasure and happiness to people, perhaps these ripples of fear that seem to wash over our society every few months about teens and sex could be properly analyzed.

Instead, it's always "what went wrong in your childhood that you grew up to be a slut?" People don't quite ask me that in that way, but I feel like they want to know. But at the same time, I think most of my generation has experienced both the positive and negative effects of this sexual freedom, as they should. I'm NOT saying that by giving people control over their sexual lives and choices they will suddenly live in a perpetually orgasmic utopia where they never get hurt or disappointed or confused. Choice and freedom about sex put the responsibility, with all its adults burdens and honors, onto each of us. There's this idea that sex is the one arena where we shouldn't learn by trial and error, where we should just go in blind and hope for the best because were we to actively want to read and learn about the topic, were we to speak in public rather than in gossipy whispers, we'd ruin some "natural," special element of it. Obviously, I think that's bullshit, but again, the complexity - I do think that sex is such an intense, powerful, mind-blowing, life-changing experience, or at least, that it can be, that there are some things that words or videos will never capture. Even I, for all my writing on the topic, remain in awe of where sex with someone else can take me, of the umpteen unique ways I can connect with someone with my clothes off. But what I find sad is that so many of us do not allow ourselves the freedom to explore, whether mentally or physically, because we are worried about being stigmatized, or laughed at, or ostracized. We worry about our reputations, our self-esteem, what other people will think. The cultura warriors on the other side want to instill in us the idea that there is the good/safe/proper sex, and the dark/scary/dangerous sex, and should you briefly engage with the latter, you better be able to swim with the sharks. You better be able to handle anything that comes your way. You better have a really thick skin because whether anyone ever finds out or not, you're marked. Tainted. Different.

Okay, more another time as I must get some sleep. I'll just end by saying that if the choice is to live in blowjob nation, or no blowjob nation, which would you choose? I think I can pretty accurately state that 100% of my readers would choose the former. Not that it would be compulsory or anything, but I feel like there's this creeping sense that really anything we do sexually that's not missionary position, and, horror of horrors, if we actually like it, is suspect, and that truly scares me. It's not that we're gonna try to enforce laws against these acts, but especially around sex, social power perhaps carries more weight than the law. Luckily, well, my circle of friends and acquaintances don't think cocksucking is inherently degrading, messy, or uncomfortable, unless we get off on those things. For the rest, there's always the hand job, as Ms. Flanagan so eloquently points out.